Today we are talking about two things that are important in ALL of our lives: love and money. Ed Coambs is with us today. He is an author, speaker and a thought leader in financial therapy. He helps couples experience financial wellbeing and has helped develop the practice of financial therapy. In this episode, we talk about the many layers of money mindset and the role money plays in relationships.
02:40 Ed’s Journey
Ed was a jock in high school who was very social. After high school he pursued being a firefighter. The guys at the firestation often complained about two things: love and relationships. Ed is fascinated by money and why we relate to it the way that we do. He was introduced to the field of financial planning and he got curious. Around that same time, he met his wife. With her being a dentist and him a firefighter, she made a lot more money than he did. While he fully believes in women making money, making less than his wife was creating an inner conflict.
06:35 Money Fights Led to Curiosity
Ed pursued a career as a financial planner and in his mid twenties he was working for Vanguard Mutual Funds. He technically knew how money worked, but there were still issues around it in his life. These money fights led to his curiosity in people and relationships. From there he went into counseling and psychology.
09:00 People’s World Views and Money Mindset
People’s religious and spiritual backgrounds can play into their views on money. As well as a calling to help people. They feel like it’s wrong to make a lot of money off of being of service to people. There are so many layers when it comes to money. For example, if you grow up in a lower income family and you start to rise out of that, they may not support you. Our identities are wrapped up in money. And mindset is such a big part of it.
13:28 Overcoming Patterns
We have patterns when it comes to money. If you find yourself falling into unhealthy patterns like overspending or self-sabotaging once you start to achieve financial success, there are a couple things that you can do. It’s often a combination of reading, self-reflection, and finding a financial therapist. It helps to have a relationship with someone where you can talk about your relationship with money.
18:00 Attachment Theory
Attachment theory is a study of how babies get cared for and what patterns of caregiving they expect through their childhood, and later into their adult life. The science has identified four types of attachment patterns: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. These styles of attachment influence how you behave in your relationships and how you interact with money.
24:47 Ed’s Clients as a Financial Therapist
I ask Ed about what it’s like to work with his clients. How does one realize that they want to work with a financial therapist? Ed says it’s difficult as it is an emerging field. His clients usually come to him when they are fighting about money with their significant other due to unhealthy financial patterns.
29:23 Financial Partnership
It’s so hard to build a financial life with a partner. A majority of financial advice is given for people operating on an individual basis. There are so many couples out there that are dealing with this. If you didn’t grow up with an example of financial security, it’s harder to create it for ourselves.
34:06 Differentiation In Relationships
We talk about the concept of differentiation which is your own sense of who you are in the world and what you’re going to become. When people are in partnerships where one person exerts their energy towards differentiating and becoming more than the other person, it starts to raise questions for the other person that is not active in that process. It creates an unequal playing field which can create problems. Getting better can take work and it can take time, but it is so worth it to have those conversations to grow.
39:34 Final Thoughts
You don’t have to feel stuck in your situation. You aren’t the only one struggling with this. You can do amazing impactful work and make money doing it. We leave you with a simple mindset shift “both/and…” instead of “either/or…”
Connecting with Ed
Here’s Ed’s Website: healthyloveandmoney.com
Here’s Ed’s Instagram: @healthyloveandmoney
Get Ed’s Book Here: healthyloveandmoney.com/the-healthy-love-and-money-way
Here’s My Website: micahfolsomfit.com
Follow Me on Instagram: @micahfolsomfit