In this episode, I interview Christine Miles, a leading business consultant known as the listening guru. She is also the author of the book “What is it Costing You Not to Listen?” This conversation is truly powerful and will help you learn new tools to better connect with your kids, your spouse and everyone you work with in business and in your life.
01:46 Christine’s Story
Christine started paying attention to listening since she was about 5 years old. She had a mother with psychological issues and so she started to pay attention to the things that weren’t said from a very young age. She realized that by listening, a lot of problems can be solved. It’s been a personal passion and a career passion since.
05:06 We Have it Backwards
Christine works with people to unlearn and transform their listening habits. We teach people to tell, talk and know, and then we wonder why people aren’t listening. In corporate America, only two percent of people have had any kind of listening training. We need to listen to truly understand.
06:56 It’s Not Your Fault, We’re All Bad Listeners
We aren’t trained to listen, and it’s increasingly difficult in our digital world. The brain also makes it difficult. It seeks to solve before it seeks to understand. We talk about listening in terms of sales.
11:15 The Six Steps
We go into conversations completely unprepared. We need to be equipped with the listening path. There are six parts to this.
12:49 Step 1: The Map: Understanding
Knowing where you are on the listening trail. You need to understand the person you’re talking with’s story.
15:15 Step 2: The Four Milestones: The Story
There are four stops to make sure you are getting all of the story. The beginning, the struggle, tipping point, the eclipse (new beginning).
17:46 Step 3: The Compass: The Six Most Powerful Questions
There are six powerful questions that you can use in a conversation that journalists, therapists and great interviewers use. The first is, “take me back to the beginning.” The second is, “tell me more.” The third is “how does that make you feel?” The fourth is “then what happened?” The next is a nonverbal question that keeps the talker telling you more. The last is a reflection to see if you understand. These questions can form a deeper connection with the person you’re talking with.
22:24 People Are Not Buying Facts
When it comes to listening in business, people are connecting to how it makes them feel, not basing their decisions based on facts.
26:36 Step 4: The Flashlight: Reflecting
Shine a light on the parts of the story that matter. This step is a great reminder to show the people in our lives that we care about them.
32:49 Step 5: Affirm that the Reflection Was Accurate
This is checking to see if after your reflection, that you understand the person.
34:26 Step 6: Mini Reflections
This is interrupting to understand. Doing mini reflections throughout the conversation to make sure you’re on the journey together.
35:54 Struggling like Feeling Like You have an Agenda
If you’re feeling guilty because you know there’s something you want to tell the person eventually in a conversation, the reframe is, if you’ve really taken the time to understand, then you’ve earned the right to tell. Christine recommends asking “Is it okay if we talk about what I think can help you now?” This alleviates guilt because you asked for permission.
39:09 Having Conversations with Our Children
Listening can take our relationships to a different level. Asking those feeling questions is giving you the right to parent in a different way. It’s making sure that your child feels understood. I share a method about 10 minutes of devoted time with a child and how much difference it can make.
Connecting with Christine
Get Christine’s Book: equipt-people.com/get-the-book
Here’s Christine’s Website: equipt-people.com
Here’s Christine’s Instagram: @cmileslistens
Here’s My Website: micahfolsomfit.com
Follow Me on Instagram: @micahfolsomfit
Join my Parenting Webinar: micahfolsomfit.com/parenting